So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
