Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
