I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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