HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
