I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
