I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
