You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
