that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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