then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
