I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
