just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
