ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
