My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
