Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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