How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
