These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
