I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
