genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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