Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
