it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
