You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
