Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
