a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
