I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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