She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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