Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Randomize
