if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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