y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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