When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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