Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
