I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
