fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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