I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
