he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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