I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
