Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
