oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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