apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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