I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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