peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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