You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We need to get me chipped asap
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
