I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
