Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
