so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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