I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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