yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
