Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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