Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
