I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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