my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
then he tried to convert me to islam
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
