I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
