ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
