I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
