i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
