sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
