Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
