I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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