I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
