I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm always down for nudity.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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