Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
