You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH