Betty ford says i'm here all night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning