they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
