The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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