Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
